Jen and I celebrated our 6th anniversary this past Saturday. We walked in the Arboretum (a forested area in the middle of Madison) and ate at Bon Appetit, a cozy little restaurant that prepares simple meals extremely well. I think we shocked ourselves when we realized that we couldn't remember what we had done on past anniversaries. This seems problematic to me since the purpose of this yearly event is to help you keep track of the number of years as they accumulate, like an abacus.
Jen and I call this an anniversary, though it hardly counts. When we got together, neither of us realized it was happening; we were both taking part in what we were denying all along. It was one of those affairs where everyone but yourself seems to know your status. In fact, you're already an item all along the grapevine before you come to acknowledge it yourself. Basically, Jen and I went from love-struck oblivious to consciously comitted over the course of a number of conversations (among other exchanges) that took about a month.
So about five years ago, when Jen decided she wanted to celebrate our first year of pre-marital "bliss," she looked into her journal, found the part where she started referring to me as her beloved and picked a date. And presto, November 20th is the day we got together, which will at some undecided date in the not so near future be superceded by the day we tie the knot.
Unfortunately for me, the feeling of stability that a 6th year anniversary provides is not accompanied by an equally stable nomenclature. Ever since we, how shall I put it to offend all those individualists out there, 'fused' together, I've never known how to refer to her in conversation: partner? companion? buddy? domo-pal (now that I've seen this written down, I'm seriously considering it)? Part of the whole engagement thing was driven by the need for another term, so I could continue to mix up the various publicly acceptable labels I have for my stalwart pony*. But as I have found out in the near year we've been engaged, the term "fiance" comes with about a 6 month grace period at the termination of which you become guilty whenever you pronounce it.
In fact, I've often referred to Jen as "my partner" when I teach. At one point, a student, whom I was on friendly terms with, told me that it "sounded like I was gay." Now, she wasn't a homophobe, a fact of which I'm pretty sure. So I guess she thought this was a problem because it might distract the class by driving them crazy with the attempt to suss out my orientation. Nonetheless, I couldn't stop. I won't say my "girlfriend" because both words in that phrase are false and it just isn't the same as the astonishment produced in my students by words for relationships that are not marital, yet which express lifelong committment.
So Jen, my domo-pal for six happy years and counting, here's to you!
*This descriptor was the result of fishing for compliments, so be careful what you wish for.
8 comments:
Speaking of the 6-month grace period, I've figured out that women who get antsy about having a wedding right away (assuming they are not *in the family way*) are really just tired of wearing the most inconvenient piece of jewelry on their ring finger. It's enough to want to shell out your life savings just so you can wear something that doesn't catch on all your sweaters.
You know, during the 19 months that Dan and I were engaged, I never quite got used to calling him my "fiance". Then again, like you, I'd never quite felt comfortable calling him my "boyfriend", either.
I guess I'm just lucky that most of the people I tend to talk to know who he is, so I don't find myself using "husband" very often, either. Well, not as much as "baby daddy", that is.
Yes, you are very fortunate. I often find myself referring to "Jen" when I'm talking to people in the department because for some reason I've come to think that everyone knows who she is... as they should. Surpisingly, it seems to work. I hadn't thought about this way before, but it must be a universal fact that when someone randomly brings up an unfamiliar first name like "Jen" or "Dan" that you can assume it's an intimate acquaintance.
I now intend to introduce B. as my "intimate acquaintance" to my extended family this week when she comes with me to our Thanksgiving feast in the southland. It will be awesome.
I also hate "girlfriend" since it sounds like you're in 7th grade. "Partner" does make people assume you're gay (which works out pretty well for me) but it also sort of sounds like you're in a business. I sometimes just say "wife" but only when I'm in very comfortable company. Maybe our generation needs to come up with some new words.
Yes, I do think that new words are in order. Recently, the phrase 'fellow fornicator' came to mind for the unhitched... and, I guess, the irreverent.
One problem with "fellow fornicator" seems to be that it's not very specific. Technically, there are a lot of "fellow fornicators" trolling the halls of our department and you don't actually live with or love any of them.
I loved reading this. We don't really celebrate anniversaries, but Todd and I randomly declared August 26th as the date it all started because it was a gradual transition but put into play around then. And I too hate "boyfriend" and avoid it at all costs. I just say "Todd," or occasionally "my Todd", and assume people who don't know will ask, and we'll get that out of the way. I'd try "stalwart pony" among my co-workers, but then I'd have even more defining and explaining to do.
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