making water

I don't need to remind anyone that winters in Wisconsin are cold. Lately though, the freezing and frequently subzero temperatures are not my biggest concern. My biggest winter bugbear is the dry air that settles in my apartment after running the heat for weeks at a time. The complete absence of humidity lays waste to my respiratory system leaving the surface area of my sinuses, throat, and lungs a cracked and barren landscape--an environment unsuitable to all life except maybe the occasional virus that happens by.

Lately, I've been waging war against the dry air in my apartment by setting out the humidifier at night and sometimes during the day when I'm home. The one we had was made by honeywell. Somehow I got it in my head that that was a good brand. I'm not sure where I picked up that information, or if it's even valid, but the name just seemed to inspire confidence--probably something to do with the word honey. Recently, though, the honeywell stopped working, most likely due to my own incompetence. I left it on while empty and never really scrubbed off the minerals that had completely overtaken the heating coil and grown to nearly a centimeter in thickness.

So today, I ventured out to Target to purchase a new humidifier. Let me start by saying that this is something I refuse to research on principle, since I have a tendency to research every other little detail of my life. Completely random, I know, but I've decided to draw the line at humidifiers. Plus, if it's going to break in a year or two anyway, I probably shouldn't think too hard about it.

The only brand they had at Target was called Holmes, a name that (to me anyway) doesn't sound nearly as trustworthy as honeywell. Something that's intended to create moisture probably shouldn't have such a dry name. It should probably be something, you know, juicier. But like I said, I'm not being picky. I also went in for "cold mist" instead of "hot steam." When I pulled it out of the box, I noticed that it's much bigger and more complicated looking then my last one. It kind of resembles a Frank Gehry building. It has several sections that don't look as if they should fit together but somehow manage to. Instead of just an on/off switch, this one has a full blown panel, with settings. When I told Jen, she asked if it "goes to eleven." It turns out there's a built in "humidistat" that not only detects the current humidity level but automatically turns the machine on and off to keep the humidity at the level that you desire. The technology is a little crazy, actually. It's just reservoir filled with stagnant water with a fan over it. Honestly, I would never expect something like that to work.

All this gadgetry convinced me that I should probably know something about humidifying one's apartment. So I got over my ridiculous research aversion and checked the internet. I learned that a "humidistat" is practically required among those who know about these things. Without one, you run the risk of turning your apartment into a tropical rain forest where all manner of mold, spore, and bacteria can grow. As you can imagine, this has me a little nervous about my history of humidifying to my heart's content. I guess it's okay. I mean, I'd rather create life than destroy it, right? Anyway, thanks to my new mechanical friend (the cats also seem to have taken to it), the humidity in my office is holding at a comfortable 50%, well within the recommended range. Now I just have to contend with the cold, dry world outside my apartment. I'm seriously tempted to carry it around with me. Maybe, with my big hair and all, people will think it's a boom box if I carry it on my shoulder. That way, instead of an invalid, I'd just be that guy who never recovered from the 80s.